The Anatomy of Melancholy

“As I was walking in the street one evening to see the town’s goings-on,” says a fellow in Petronius, “I noticed an old woman in a corner selling cabbages and roots”—as our small traders sell plums, apples and similar fruit. “‘Mother,’ I asked, ‘can you tell me where I live?’ Pleased with my foolish politeness, she answered, ‘And why, sir, should I not?’ With that she got up and led the way. I took her for a wise woman; presently she led me into a side street and told me that was where I should live. I replied that I did not recognize the house; but the naked prostitutes suddenly made me realize that I had come into a brothel. Then, too late, I began cursing the treachery of the old jade.”

You will meet such tricks in many places. Among others, it is usual in Venice and on the island of Zante for a man to act as bawd to his own wife. No sooner do you land or come ashore than, as the comic poet puts it,

Prostitutes have this custom: They send servant boys and girls to the harbour; If a foreign ship arrives there, They ask where the newcomer comes from and what his name is; Then the women immediately attach themselves to him.

These fair-faced devils have their panders, bawds and agents everywhere, searching for customers and bringing them in, tempting and lying in wait for novices and unsuspecting travellers. Once they have them in their clutches, as Aegidius Maserius describes them in his commentary on Valerius Flaccus, “with promises and pleasant conversation, with gifts and tokens, seizing their opportunities, they lay nets that Lucretia could not escape, and bait that Hippolytus himself would swallow. Their assaults and battering are so powerful that the goddess of virginity herself could not withstand them.”

“They give presents and bribes that could sway Penelope, and make threats that could terrify Susanna. How many Proserpinas does Pluto capture with these bailiffs? These are the sleep-inducing wands whose touch sends souls down to hell; this is the glue or birdlime that catches the mind’s wings and prevents their escape; these are the Devil’s servants, alluring and enticing,” and so on. Without question, many young men and women are ensnared by these Furies and their associates. But these things are commonplace and well known.

The slyest, most dangerous and most cunning bawds are those rogue physicians, empirics, mass-priests, monks, Jesuits and friars of yours. Though it violates the Hippocratic oath, some of them will administer a drug, promise to restore virginity safely, cause an abortion if necessary, keep the breasts from swelling, prevent conception, arouse lust, improve sexual potency with satyrions, and now and then take a turn themselves.

No monastery is so enclosed, no house so private, no prison so well guarded, that these honest men are not admitted to examine and question people, feel their pulse and attend their bedside, all under the pretence of giving medical treatment. As for monks, confessors and friars, as the poet said,

Pluto of the underworld dares not attempt what An unbridled monk and a deceitful old woman dare.

Pluto of the underworld dares not attempt or do What an old hag or monk will undertake.