The Anatomy of Melancholy

If she is rich, then she is beautiful, fine, complete and perfect. Then they burn like fire and love her dearly, like pork and pie, and are ready to hang themselves if they cannot have her. Nothing is more common these days than for a young man to marry an old woman, as they say, for a bit of property: “an ass laden with gold.” Though she is an old crone without a tooth in her head, with neither good character nor a good face, a born fool—provided she is rich—she will have twenty young gallants courting her in an instant. As the woman in Suetonius said, “They court my possessions, not me.” It is for her land or money, not for her sake; and, as he added, it would be an excellent match if she were out of the way.

On the other hand, many a lovely young woman will throw herself away on an old, doting, decrepit fool—

Though twice a child, he stammers with worn-out mouth, He plucks the first, well-tended roses of a rare girl—

Rheumatic and gouty, suffering from twenty diseases, perhaps with only one eye, one leg, no nose, no hair on his head, no sense in his brains and no virtue: if he has land or money, she will take him before every other suitor.

Provided he is rich, that barbarian pleases her.

If he is rich, he is the man—a fine man, a handsome man. She will go to Jacatra or Tidore with him: “Gelasimus of the Golden Mountain.” Sir Giles Goosecap or Sir Amorous La Foole shall have her. As Philemasium told Emmusus in Aristaenetus, “Without money everything is useless.” Hang the man who has none! “It is pointless to discuss marriage without means. Do not trouble me with such proposals. Let others do as they please: I will make sure of a man who keeps me finely and splendidly dressed.” Most women share her view: “Character will be the last question asked.” She will inquire about his character some other time—when everything is over, the match made and everyone gone home.

Lucian’s Lysia was a handsome young woman with many fine gentlemen courting her—Ethecles, a senator’s son; Melissus, a merchant; and others. But she abandoned them all for a certain Pasius, a low, shaggy, bald-headed rogue. Why? His father had recently died, leaving him sole heir to his property and lands.